


Once upon a House, MD

by ImNotStubborn



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Multi, i missed the gay ship and the medical show so you know. two birds one stone and all that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 20:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18395972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImNotStubborn/pseuds/ImNotStubborn
Summary: Not a crossover, just a Swan Queen AU.





	Once upon a House, MD

**PROLOGUE**

 

Regina Mills is used to dealing with stressful, high stakes situations.

As the Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsoboro's Teaching Hospital, it is what most of her job consists of. And with a pre-teenager who's decided to dive back into childhood fantasies and make her the great evil villain of his story at home, as much as it pains her to think about, it has become a pretty big part of her personal life too.

So if today, not unlike most days before it, comes with its familiar load of last-minute urgent high-responsibility things to handle on top of the already impossibly scheduled rest, well, Regina is not going to let it get to her more than she usual does.

She goes into her weekly board meeting with that positive attitude, and although it doesn't take longer than twenty minutes for her mind to start drifting off about all the other, much more interesting and pressing matters she has to deal with today, she's determined to keep her spirits up.

To that meeting succeed two back-to-back appointments, one on one in her own black and white office this time –where she has all the power of a queen ruling her kingdom, she thinks with amusement, until she remembers Henry's current obsession and loses the smile– both of them about understaffed departments depicted as on the verge of breaking by both Head Nurses. She's still processing the information she's gotten from them and thinks she might see a solution to at least one of their schedule issues to ensure a healthier nurse-to-patient ratio than the one they're currently living with, when a soft knock on her door interrupts her train of thought.

“Ma'am?” Sidney's unsure voice asks, and he pales a little at the glare she must be sporting when she looks up. “Sorry to bother you, it's… There's a crisis down in ER that requires your presence.”

Her eyebrows shoot up at those news, never having been one to enjoy her ER rotations when she was an intern, and she shares her incredulity with her assistant.

“What, are the patients mad because they've been waiting for too long? Are doctors already tired from too long shifts, even though there's still about twenty hours for them to go today? Did a med student screw up their stitches because no one was supervising them?”

“I… I don't know, Ma'am, I just got the phone call and-”

“You do realize all of those very common issues require absolutely no intervention on _my_ part unless someone gets killed or sues my hospital, right?” she interrupts when it's pretty clear that he's not going to give her the information she needs.

“I do,” Sidney says right away, seemingly relieved that he knows the answer to one of her questions. “It's just that it's the pediatric ER, and seeing as that unit usually needs more of a tactful hand…”

But Regina doesn't hear his continued attempt at flattery over the strong wave of annoyance and, as always when that ward is mentioned, deep-rooted hatred that threatens to overcome her.

She takes a deep breath in, loud enough that it startles her assistant into –finally– shutting up, and stands up slowly.

“I'll be back in ten minutes,” she lies, probably, because in her experience it takes a lot longer to deal with _that_ _unit_ indeed.

She leaves her office then, hoping all the way through to the other end of the ground floor of the building that the junior doctor everyone affectionately nicknames Snow White –appropriate only in the way she's a spoiled little princess in Regina's opinion– had the splendid idea of being on call last night, ensuring she won't be here today.

That hope is short-lived, however, when upon applying her security badge and opening the door to the doctors' lounge of the pediatric ER, she comes face to face with none other than the short-haired brunette on her way out.

“Oh come on,” she's saying, looking over her shoulder, “she's not _that_ bad!”

And if Regina had any doubt about who the staff could have been discussing –she didn't– they would have disappeared the minute Mary Margaret Blanchard turns around and faces the Dean, almost comically jumping to avoid running into her, and spilling half of her mug of coffee on her own pale blue scrubs in the process.

“Has no one ever taught you to walk, Ms Blanchard? Here's a tip: it usually goes better when looking _ahead_ ,” Regina sneers, barely holding in a grimace when the younger doctor, hissing in pain at the heat, takes off her drenched work top to reveal a ridiculous, flowy tee shirt with a bird pattern underneath.

By the time the pediatrician looks up, half embarrassed, half terrified, everyone elsehas left the room through the other door, still ajar, and the entire department seems to buzz with activity around them, all medical personal in a sudden hurry to see patients. Regina's got half a mind to come here more often if only to insure this level of efficiency, even though it's fueled by fear, when the reason she most definitely will _not_ do that clears her throat in front of her.

“I'm sorry, Reg-” Mary Margaret pales and her own eyes widen at the slip, retreating even farther away from her boss as she corrects herself, “I mean, Dean Mills! Sorry. I hadn't seen you there, which, well, frankly we don't usually see a lot of you around here… Not to sound reproachful, obviously! I mean I know you have a lot of work, running a hospital can't be easy-”

“You're right, it isn't,” Regina confirms with a smile, her gentle and agreeing tone giving the other woman pause as she probably wonders if this is some sort of hallucination. “Especially,” the Dean continues with a much less friendly tone, “when I'm distracted every two minutes by departments who claim they need my immediate assistance, and then clearly don't seem to remember that they do once I get there.”

“I'm… what?”

“Your ward called for my assistance here, Ms Blanchard. Now I don't know which one of your colleagues since they all ran out as I arrived, but-”

“Oh. Oh no, that was me.”

Regina has to stop her jaw from slacking at that, and can't even feel an ounce of anger, just confusion and a bout of misplaced hilarity showing its nose.

“ _You_ called me here?” She asks, incredulous.

She doesn't add the burning _do you have a death wish_ that's threatening to spill from her lips any minute now, but her tone does the job for her.

“No, of course not, I didn't… Ugh,” Mary Margaret mumbles, her hands anxiously tearing at the tainted scrubs she's still holding. “I told Sidney to call you to Radiology, because that's the reason we're backed up here: _someone's_ been preventing them from doing their job properly, and it's been going on for about an hour now. We've managed the most urgent cases thankfully, but with one scan completely out of access, the waiting line has grown like crazy in the entire hospital. And, well, parents of sick children being the fastest people to threaten with lawsuits when things don't go their way…”

Regina sighs, mad at herself for not foreseeing that _he_ would be one of her problems today, and madder at her employees for not being able to communicate efficiently.

“Gold,” she simply says, her hand going to the handle behind her so she can go and take care of whatever her most challenging attending might be up to now.

But for some reason, the younger doctor keeps talking before she can leave.

“I did try to reason with him! Before I called for you. But he wouldn't hear me out."

Regina stops moving and simply stares at her with an eyebrow raised, trying really hard not to ask why on Earth the resident would attempt such a futile thing and then decide to tell her about it.

“I just thought,” Mary Margaret starts again anyway, “that as a member of his team he might-”

And Regina should leave now, she knows, because it's never a good idea to talk about Gold with the one person insane enough to actually have developed a very notoriously unrequited crush on the man when she was working for him, and because she simply doesn't enjoy conversations that involve this naive young girl to begin with.

Still, she can't resist such an easy prey, especially when she lost precious time because either Princess Peds over here wasn't clear enough, or Sidney couldn't take a stupid message properly. And if it only serves to enforce the Evil Dean monicker they're all using behind her back these days –ever since Henry came around after school one day and mentioned his theory to gossipy ears– then so be it.

She tuts at the resident, shaking her head in faked empathy as she lets go of the handle, and goes for the cheap shot she can't resist.

“Miss Blanchard, really, when will you learn?” she asks, walking towards her slowly and enjoying the apprehension she can almost smell. “You're a _f_ _ormer_ member of his team, for one," she corrects as she stops almost too close to her, knowing how much Blanchard actually regrets leaving the team. "And besides, let's be honest here... did he ever bother to listen to you? Even back when you were working for him?”

The pediatrician looks down as she shakes her head no, cheeks redder than ever and hands scrunching up her scrub top between them, and Regina relishes in the twisted satisfaction she gets from spying a few tears gathering in those clear eyes.

“That's what I thought. Probably better if I go and fix it, as always,” Regina spits as she turns around.

She doesn't even look back, not needing to see the effects of this final blow to the other woman's ego, when they both know how infuriating it always was to Mary Margaret that Regina is the only person to have any amount of power over him.

-

When she does get to Radiology and reaches the Scan console, she's greeted by Gold's voice even before she actually lays eyes on the back of him.

“I demand a full body scan, and I demand it _now_ ,” he's saying in his usual overly calm but cold tone, the one that never fails to petrify even some of the oldest department Heads around here.

It's not working on Dr Leroy Lee, however, as his notoriously bad mood protects him against Gold's terrifying brand of charm.

He still seems relieved when he realizes who just entered the room.

“Finally, Mills!” he exclaims, and looks a little chastised -but doesn't apologize- at the pointed stare that familiarity gets him. “Thank God you're here, what we have here is just some typical Gold shi–

“Actually, it isn't,” Regina interrupts calmly, walking up to them and turning to the Head of Diagnostics, ignoring the shorter man. “Is this about the sixteen years old who escaped a mental institution before passing out on the road? You despise body scans, Gold, and I fail to see the point of one in this case... Must be one hell of a mystery if even you need to retort to such vile methods so early on,” she taunts him with obvious cheer in her voice, although she does genuinely wonder about his uncharacteristic request.

Gold glares at her and stubbornly keeps silent, while she grabs the consent form attached to the request.

“Okay, well, you don't have parental consent –don't lie to me, I happen to know that your forgery skills cover more than Dr Hopper's signature on Vicodin prescriptions– and, let's see… right. Did you seriously put down 'none of your concerns' in the indication section?”

“My motives are not any of his business,” Gold finally replies with, as annoying as it is, admirable aplomb.

“Exposing a child to this amount of contrast products and irradiation for no good reason is my responsibility, which makes it my business!” Leroy chimes in, obviously repeating himself here. “Besides, I'm a doctor too, I'll have you know we have the same degree-”

“Oh, please,” Gold mockingly cuts. “You haven't seen a patient in the flesh in years, all you do all day is stare at pictures and point out shiny dots. A toddler could do your job.”

Leroy takes a step towards him, and Regina, who was silently trying to contain her annoyance at both of them up until then, stops him with a simple glare.

“For your information, Gold, Leroy here is our referent ultrasound technician, so he in fact sees patients in the flesh a lot more often than _you_ do,” she says, and even though she hates that she has to stroke men's egos in order to prevent a crisis, she nods at Dr Lee's thankful look. “And he is right: you're not getting your scan, not without a good enough medical reason that you shall _share_ with him, and the non falsified consent form required in Pediatric cases. Seriously, how the hell did you expect this to work?” she concludes with a shake of her head.

She hands him back the papers and gestures for them to get out of there, not bothering to salute the radiologist on her way out.

“Well for one,” Gold replies, following her out of the room, “I didn't think I'd meet such stubborn resistance down here,” and Regina rolls her eyes as her peripheral vision definitely catches the gesture Leroy directs at him before she closes the door. “And mostly, I didn't think you would find out,” he finishes, narrowing his eyes at her in thoughts.

“You've been blocking access to Radiology for all patients, and we both know which wing of the hospital tends to have the least patience when it comes to waiting for tests. Do you really need me to tell you which princess called to the rescue in the face of the big old scary dragon depriving innocent children of much-needed CTs?”

She grins at him, proud of her own comparison, before she catches the smirk on his face.

“Big old dragon, huh? What does that make you then? Blanchard's knight in shiny armor?”

Regina stops in her tracks at that, but the death stare she throws him is only met with a chuckle as Gold gets in the nearby elevator.

-

It's hours later when she gets back to the lobby, frowning at the seafood smell she swears she perceived in that same elevator. Too tired to investigate it after having endured a painfully long and boring meeting that she absolutely wouldn't have needed to attend, had the Head of Anesthetics not been a megalomaniac asshole who required her participation to futile discussions, she shakes the thought out of her mind.

She straightens her back, wincing at the few nods she can feel back there, and walks towards her office, longing to sit in her chair and catch even a minute of break, when a blur of limbs and ugly hospital gown –well, she'd had to cut the budget somewhere– misses her by only a breath.

Frozen into place, she stares, less shocked than she'd wished to be as her mind comes up with a very likely and recurrent hypothesis, as a teenaged patient enthusiastically yells something about regaining his freedom and, using the foot of his perfusion holder as a skateboard, rushes towards the main exit.

She spares a glance at the security guard standing near the glass door, satisfied that he seems ready to intercept the phenomenon, and cautiously takes a step back, not needing to turn her head back to know there's another collision to be avoided.

And sure enough, mere seconds later, she feels a breeze as three sets of legs run by her in the direction of the erratic young man that's now shouting at the security employee. She barely holds in the eye roll she feels coming as she recognizes the shape of a syringe in Dr Whale's raised hand, then hears Dr Lucas' very unprofessional “shit!” and catches sight of Dr Locksley'spathetic sorry grimace as the last two Gold lackeys at least recognize who they almost just ran into.

She sighs as she goes to rest her crossed arms on the nurse station centering the room, counts up to twelve before hearing the elevator ping behind her, and pretends to be staring at the chaotic scene –barely flinching when the needle finds itself lodged in the young man's gluteus maximus– when she's really listening to the uneven steps that stop right next to her.

“Gold.”

“Mills. Nice to see you again so soon.”

She catches sight of his left hand on his cane's knob, finds it odd knowing that's not his preferred side –although it is the one that's recommended for him to use– and almost growls in frustration as she notices his right arm hanging at a slightly weird angle. She would hate the instinct that lets her guess immediately what he's up to, if it hadn't saved her hospital more than a couple of times.

“Why do you have a syringe in your hand?” she asks, still not looking at him directly.

“Well, I have to calm this young man. I wouldn't want him ruining any part of your precious hospital, dear,” he answers smoothly.

“Nice try,” she retorts, stopping herself as always from correcting him on his choice of appellation since it only serves to amuse him. “Except your henchman over there has just injected him with what looks like a generous dosage of Loxapine. Do you really want to lie to me?”

“Do you really want to know what I'm up to?”

Feeling a headache coming at the annoying back and forth it always takes to gain one simple answer from this man, Regina goes for another angle as she keeps her eyes on Dr Lucas, currently trying to calm the boy's parents who just arrived in the lobby.

“That second syringe isn't more sedation than he could handle?”

“Nope. It's not going to kill him,” he finally offers, and it's meagre but it was her main concern after all. “In fact, it's only going to lead to me saving his life, henceforth granting me a very high chance of getting friendly with his mother. If you catch my drift,” he says with a sly grin, and she makes a face.

“The nurses on the fifth floor caught your drift from here, Gold.”

“Now that's a specific answer. Heard anything about me up there?”

She doesn't answer, doesn't comment on how no matter how macho and predatory he likes to sound, he's all bark and no bite –and he sure as hell knows no one's talking about him in any way that's pleasant. Instead she goes to leave in the direction of her office, when a thought comes to her.

She knows she shouldn't, but she turns back to face him, and the fact that he's got both his hands on his canenow and is smirking at her like he can read her mind only confirm her suspicions. For some reason, she still goes ahead and asks.

“You wouldn't have done something to that patient on purpose, to cause that exact reaction and insure you'd get a chance to demonstrate your usual dramatic talents?”

Eyes widening and a hand going to his heart in oh-so-believable shock, Gold lets out a squeal of just as realistic offense.

“Dean Mills! How dare you imply I would _ever_ endanger a patient's life for the benefit of my playing the hero in front of the entire staff?I'll have you know that once upon a time I took an oath, the very same in fact that the one you took before selling your soul over to the satanic bureaucratic life, and I will not stand here and have you–

Regina rolls her eyes once more and walks away before the end of his tirade, deciding against giving him any more attention than he's already managed to gather.

The physician part of her however, the one that's never really been able to let go of actual clinical practice, gets whirled up trying to figure out what kind of a pathology could manifest itself that way. She shuts it down with only a slight pinch of regret, as she sits on her leather chair and calls for Sidney to bring in her next appointment –that she happens to be more than fashionably late for because of these shenanigans.

-

As night teams replace part of the day staff, she does appreciate getting a hint to solve that mystery when a terrified but concerned biologist dares to call her directly from the Biochemistry lab about Gold's patient's results.

She smiles as she hangs up, and, free of anymore appointments so late –although the paperwork will definitely keep her busy here for a few more hours– gets to the fourth floor as fast as she can.

“Took you long enough, dear,” is the greeting she gets when she pushes open Gold's door, and he stops admiring one of the many odd things he's got laying around his office to look up at her. “Did the lab finally call you about Mr… whatever his name is, results?”

Regina wants to frown in reproach that he doesn't remember his patient's name, but she's still smiling as she sits in the chair facing his desk.

“You know they did. I'm curious though, did you order that blood test to confirm your theory, or were you simply hoping the numbers would be abnormal enough to get red flagged and get me to come and see you about it?”

Gold raises his eyebrows in vexation that she's even asking the question, and she smirks at how easy it still is to tease him.

“More seriously,” she adds because she still wants to get to the bottom of this, “please tell me you didn't give a sixteen years old boy this amount of thyroid hormones just to make him cause havoc through the halls of my hospital.”

“I didn't give a sixteen years old boy this amount of thyroid hormones just to make him cause havoc through the halls of your hospital,” he dutifully repeats, grinning all the while.

“Gold,” she warns in the stern voice that even he can't resist for long.

“I didn't! His parents are the wary-of-anything-medical type, they never even vaccinated him. When he started having mood swings and acting like a maniac two years ago, they just had him committed into some kind of a religious center that he then ran away from. He could have gone years without my brilliant diagnosis if he hadn't passed out in the street."

“I'm guessing it wasn't anything as simple as Grave's disease, then.”

“Indeed. Want to give it another go?”

She answers with an annoyed look, but she's pretty sure he can tell she's more intrigued than anything else, so he concedes with a shrug.

“Chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis. For whatever reason, at some point of his life his immune system started to synthesize specific antithyroid antibodies, only following an intermittent pattern instead of the more common constant one. And who wouldn't jump to the demon possession conclusion when your child keeps oscillating between violent outbursts and apathetic state? Although to be fair, it is a rare diagnosis, especially given his age and gender."

She chews on her lips thoughtfully, trying to ignore the nudge at her own Endocrinology background although the thought of such a case does make her fingers tingle. Instead, she pretends to focus on more important matters.

“So you suspected this kid already had intermittent thyrotoxicosis, and proceeded to give him even more T4 to, what? Cause more erratic behavior and endanger his life to scare his parents into letting you treat him?”

“First of all, I had him under constant obs, which wasn't easy with those parents, by the way. And as I said, I _didn't_ give him any T4. His parents wouldn't let me prescribe anything without checking it first.”

He's looking at her with curiosity now, and she both hates that this feels like she's taking her board certification once more, and loves that she gets to think about a medical problem for once instead of an administrative one.

“You wanted a CT scan… because of the Iodine, that would trigger symptoms of hyperthyroidism if you were right about the state of his thyroid,” she guesses eventually. “What did you find as a non-medical source for… Oh. I knew I didn't imagine that seafood smell.”

Gold smirks and nods.

“Told them there couldn't possibly have anything to fear from shellfish he's not even allergic to, right? Which isn't a lie… for most people. I didn't cause the symptoms directly, I simply set the hormones free!”

She shakes her head, doing her best to look annoyed even though she's curious as to the amount of seafood actually requested to put the patient in the state he was in earlier.

“At least tell me that second syringe you injected him with had beta blockers in it,” she adds, just for show because she likes to remind him that he's not the only smart person in the room.

The look of patronizing pride he shoots her as he confirms it would be really annoying, if she didn't know that's how this lunatic shows when he's impressed.

“Why did you want me to come up here, Gold?” she asks after a beat.

“Oh, nothing in particular. You were an Endocrinologist once, and I figured you'd enjoy at leat partially solving this on. Just wanted to help you feel good about yourself,” he answers too quickly.

She laughs, a mirthless laugh, because as good as it does make her feel to have figured this case out, it's suspicious that Gold would do anything nice for her.

“Fine. I was also hoping this would convince you to back me up whenever I demand something of those tools down in Radiology, or elsewhere, with no need for those never ending doubts and questions,” he corrects smoothly, too smoothly. “Especially when all I'm doing here, is trying to help out a young boy,” he adds, dragging the last words out for longer than necessary.

Regina tenses in her seat, thinking that really, all this man ever does is play people and trade favors and she shouldn't have taken the bait. But at least it's only a cruel reminder of her debt and not an actual deal he seems to be after this time, she tells herself to calm down, not responding to the ridiculously obvious subtext about the one favor she's forbidden him to ever mention.

She stands back up with all the careless grace she can muster, hating herself for not seeing this coming when it's not that uncommon for Gold to play with her nerves like this whenever he's up to something even bigger that she's not going to like at all.

And then, since she doesn't like to be manipulated and he has to be reminded that she can get under his skin with a simple allusion, too, she goes for the jugular.

“I do wonder, Gold: how come you don't find yourself a healthier hobby than trying to ruin my hospital every other week?” she asks innocently enough, letting her hand run on the wooden desk and shooting him a condescending look at the fine layer of dust that gathers on her fingers. “Something to do or, I don't know, someone to help out? Unless you think you'd get bored after some time and just… give them up?” she concludes with a bright, fake smile that so perfectly contrasts with the acid of her words.

Gold pales at the phrase, and the hatred burning in his eyes and clenching of his fists would have scared Regina, were she not barely containing her own fury.

“I shall think about it, dear,” he finally utters, voice barely above a whisper.

She dismisses his reply with a casual wave of her hand, and leaves his office without adding anything.

She does focus more than she usually needs to on her steps in the long hallway, trying to stop her legs from shaking at the threat she could read laced through his last words.

-

It's been two hours since she left his floor and received a reassuring text from her nanny before putting her phone away, and she's mostly managed to chase all thoughts of the bone-chilling exchange in favor of administrative duties –including a report on the skate-boarding incident– when Sidney's head pops into her office.

“Doctor Mills? Um, sorry to bother you but… the police is here,” he announces carefully.

Hadn't she been busy rereading her last sentence, Regina would have probably noticed, and worried, that his tone conveyed something akin to pity more than the usual fear. As it is, she simply sighs and puts her pen down for a minute.

“Alright, let me have it. What did Gold do now? Are the parents suing us for the Iodine intoxication?”

Sidney looks at her for a while, mouth slightly open, and she frowns when he doesn't seem to know how to answer.

“Well? I don't have all night, Sidney,” she presses him, although she's staring to realize that something is off.

“Ma'am… It's not Gold,” her assistant slowly answers, swallowing with difficulty. “It's your son.”

She can feel the effects of her blood pressure dropping the moment he says it. Her ears start to ring and her vision blurs, her heart beating erratically to try and maintain a correct cerebral flow and prevent her passing out. She closes her eyes a second, inhaling deeply, and manages to regain her composure shortly.

“What do you mean?” she asks calmly, bracing herself with her eyes barely open, not wanting to fully see her world crumbling apart if the news she receives is as bad as what her imagination is offering right now.

“Your sitter said she couldn't get through to you so she called the cops, who sent two agents at your house and two more here… Dean Mills, Henry is missing.”

Regina Mills is used to dealing with stressful, high stakes situations.

But this one? This one, she has no fucking clue how to handle.

**Author's Note:**

> \- First things first: Regina may have taken Cuddy's place in this AU, and Gold House's, but even though I ship Huddy with my entire heart, there will be no Golden Queen in this story. No judgement and whatever floats your boat, but GQ definitely doesn't float mine.
> 
> \- I've tried to fit a lot of ouat characters into House ones because it's such a fun puzzle to assemble, but you don't need to be a die hard House fan to follow this story as it's a OUAT fic first. Also, I'll keep the medical aspect to a minimum in the future.
> 
> \- Finally, I can't promise regular updates because I've learned by now that I'm the most unreliable fic writer ever, but I promise to try my best and update as quickly as life lets me. 
> 
> Thoughts so far?


End file.
